The scourging

It is time brothers and sisters. Yes, it is the time once again for the great scourging. I know that even I have been weak and allowed troubles to multiply. But no more. And so I beseech you all to join with me, lest you fall into greater peril.

Take yourselves into your kitchens, and open up the drawer wherein are kept a multitude of plastic containers, be they Tupperware, Rubbermaid, or of any other tribe. And take from there all those that are lidless, and cast them away into the darkness.

The Great Deceiver will tempt you. He will whisper in your ear: "Could you not use that other lid? It almost fits." Or perhaps "A piece of plastic wrap will do just as well." But I tell you these are lies and deceptions. For is it not written: "Whosoever shall fall into the error of plastic wrap, he shall soon be cleaning pumpkin soup from the shelf and the floor"?

Some among you may well find lids that have no containers. These too should be scourged. However, the council of Pittsburgh did agree in 1995 that, provided there is resident in the house a child of less than six full years, or a dog still young enough to fetch, these may be kept for they serve well as playthings, but must be segregated from the lidded and pure.